2021 Suicide of a neighbor

In July my neighbor (who was a Vietnam Veteran) committed suicide and since then I’ve been spending a lot of time with his elderly wife who happens to be the same woman who I saved after a fall in her garage the day I had a flashback that a military doctor labeled as a psychotic break which ultimately led to my retirement from the Army and years of medication & hospitalizations. Since his suicide I’ve been somewhat quiet & haven’t shared the situation with hardly anyone but I’ve decided to finally speak about it because the past few months have been difficult (NOT because of COVID-19 or the political foolishness because honestly, I don’t care about any of that). I’ve come to realize that the most difficult thing about the last few months is the fact that I chose to deal with things the exact same way I used to in the past & that was avoidance. Over the last couple months, I’ve become an outstanding employee at work who accomplishes sometimes three times the amount of work as others in an 8hr shift, I’ve become a “pillar in my community” by babysitting the single elderly woman since her family lives far away, & I’m still babysitting kids & getting them to Karate lessons. Throughout this entire time, I’ve not made any phone calls (or hardly even sent any texts) not related to work or the kids, I’ve gotten a small amount of sleep, and have distanced myself from everyone & everything I value. I’m posting this on here instead of my page because I now realize the importance of remaining connected. Almost a week before my neighbor took his life I saw him on his riding mower cutting his lawn which is something he hadn’t done in a while (because he had MS), after his death I said to his wife he appeared to be good because he was happily cutting the grass and she said “I knew he didn’t really realize what he was doing because his memory was fading & he cut part of the neighbors yard, but he had the biggest smile on his face”. That statement stuck with me because to those who work with me or benefit from the things I do to remain busy, I appear to be good, but I have neglected myself and that is essential to my well-being. I’m not usually one who speaks unless asked direct questions & I have absolutely no faith or trust in the mental health system but my commitment to all of you is that I will deal with the struggles I’m facing, and I won’t give up. I am a Warfighter & I will Advance!